Nurture the Tiny Humans

He wants to help us and pleads for the chance to assist us, but he will not do so in violation of our agency. He loves us too much to do that. -Howard W Hunter

Each child is different. Each child comes to earth with a unique temperament. This makes parenting difficult. Just because one technique works for one child, it does not mean it will work for another one. 

But one similarity that all children have is that they grow up. And growing up is HARD! Kids love exploring and learning about the world around them. It is pleasing to simply watch a young child pick petals from a flower. They feel it’s texture. They smell it’s sent. They might even see if it tastes good. It is so much easier for a child to learn about the nature that surrounds them than it is to learn about the nature within them. I’m talking about emotions. 

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, both psychological researchers, have spent years researching and providing insight for children and their emotions. They have found that “there is a correlation between emotional health and academic performance.” 

We want our children to succeed in life. Most of us put a lot of emphasis on excelling in academics as a yard stick to measure success in childhood. But, a ‘smart’ kid could still bully others. A ‘smart’ kid could still have low self-esteem. A ‘smart’ kid could still be a lot of things that we would hope better for them. That is where Drs. Gottman have found emotional coaching to be beneficial in childhood. 

I know. I know. Now you are thinking, what is emotional coaching? Is that something I need a degree for? But mostly you are thinking, is it really necessary?

Let’s go into an example of one of my tiny humans. Tiny human 4 is a girl. She is currently 7-years-old. Tiny human 4 is an especially emotional child. She cries at everything. She even noticed that about herself. One evening, we sat down as a family to watch a movie. With pretty much every movie, there is a sad part. Some are sappier than others, but a good movie takes you through some emotions, and almost always sadness is one of them. It was a kid’s movie of course, and it was sad, but not a tear jerker. She looked around the room at every one else in the family. No one was crying. She looks at me and says, “See mom. I’m crying. No one else thinks it’s sad, and I’m crying. What’s wrong with me?”

As an adult, we know what is wrong with her. She has emotions. She is more prone to express them. Some of us would call her tender. What tiny human 4 did not need then was a lecture. She did not need me just to give her an answer. Tiny human 4 needed help understanding her emotions and where they came from.

Let me give you another example. Tiny human 2. Fraternal triplet. (Those of you who are wondering, how was the fraternal born in between the identicals, well when a c-section is necessary, they can take them in whatever order they want. Now, back to the topic at hand.) Tiny human 2 threw a fit and ran to her room crying when she did not get her way in the kitchen the other day. She needed to back cookies for her class. She wanted to make 2 kinds of cookies, but it was getting late, and I explained she needed to choose 1 type of cookie. That set her off, and she showed it. Never was she disrespectful to me. She did not yell at me and call me a bad mom or anything. She was just very frustrated, and gave a loud grunt and went to her room to cry. Tiny human 2 did not need a consequence. She did not need a lecture. Tiny human 2 needed to understand her emotions and where they came from.

Let’s get back to what I’ve learned from the 2 Gottman’s that have spent the years researching in order to make parenting a bit more effective for us parents out there who lost the owner’s manual at the hospital.

They give us a 5-step process to create emotional connections with our children. Here they are:

1.    Notice emotions. (You’ve got to see the teaching opportunity before you can seize it.)

2.    Validate their emotion. (Emotions are not wrong, actions can be. Remember even you get angry, sad, even irrational sometimes. Help them feel like you understand them.)

3.    Help them verbalize and put a name to the emotion.

4.    Help them understand the feeling, especially where it comes from. 

5.    Set limits to the behavior. (Again, emotions are acceptable. Bad behaviors from them are not. This is where we can help teach how to react or control our emotions.)

This is something that has to be practiced. But, it’s worth it. Let me tell you the ending to tiny humans 2 & 4’s stories.

I gave tiny human 4 a hug. I told her sometimes I cry during movies too. Then, I asked her how she was feeling? She said sad. I asked her why? That was when the interesting part happened. I watched 7-year-old tiny human’s wheels turn in her head. After letting her think for a minute, she said it was because such and such happened to the character in the movie. She understood, and felt better about it. I then told her, that she must care deeply about others to cry when someone else is hurting. That is ok, and Jesus probably did too.

With tiny human 2, I gave her a minute. Her temperament demands a brief cool down period. But, I did not want to lose my teaching opportunity, so just long enough. Then, I sat on the end of her bed. I said, “I know you really wanted to make both kinds of cookies. It must have been hard to be told no.” This did not give in to her, but it acknowledged what started it all. Then, I asked her how she was feeling. Tiny human 2 is 9. She readily said, “Mad!” I asked why she was mad, and she replied that she wanted to make both kinds of cookies. By this time, she was cooling off. I told her it’s ok to be mad sometimes, but not to let it control her and what she chooses to do. Then I left her to finish cooling off. Within a couple minutes, she came out of her room ready to bake one kind of cookie.

Emotional coaching is simply helping tiny humans understand the emotion and where it came from. This is one really great way to nurture those wonderful tiny humans.

Videos from Drs. Gottman

Links to Dr. Gottman videos: https://youtu.be/z3uPPEtyX_I & https://youtu.be/bmsDTT3xgjo

Citations:

(2012, April 18). Retrieved December 20, 2018, from https://youtu.be/z3uPPEtyX_I

(2009, November 13). Retrieved December 20, 2018, from https://youtu.be/bmsDTT3xgjo