Guide Our Children

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost, and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him who thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy. -Doctrine and Covenants 121:43

Let’s face it, we all do things we shouldn’t. It is part of the learning process. This is especially true of our children. Sometimes children do something they didn’t realize was wrong. But, sometimes, they do it just to push our buttons and see how close to crossing the line they can possibly get. 

I’ll give an example of pushing buttons just to do it. Let’s take tiny human number 5 who happens to currently be 5. Just last night, as I was talking to another adult, tiny human 5 repeatedly screamed my name behind me. I asked him several times to stop, and he smiled and refused. It got louder and louder. He may have gotten one thing he wanted, but not the rest. I did end my conversation to take care of my son.

So, if your tiny 5-year-old was that disrespectful, what would you have done? I can tell you what I wanted to do. I wanted take him in his room and give him a spanking. But, I did not.

More and more research studies suggest to us that we should never resort to any type of violence in order to discipline our children. 

Let me tell you a story that Astrid Lindgren, author of Pippy Longstocking, told a story against violence. To paraphrase, there was a boy who misbehaved. His mother told him to go outside and get a switch. He was gone a long time. When he came back in, he was crying. He did not have a switch in his hand. He had a rock. He told his mother that he could not find a switch, so he brought a rock and she could just throw it at him. The mother realized, and we can learn from this too, that violence is violence to a child. “From the child’s point of view: if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with.” (Direct quote from Astrid Lindgren.) It does not matter the form. It all hurts, and does not teach them a natural consequence.

Here is yet another thing to think about as far as violence is concerned. Has a king, emperor, or any other kind of ruler that has taken their kingdom through force and violence able to keep it peaceably? No. If they won the country though violence, they have to keep it the same way. Those rulers however that won the hearts of the people of the country or kingdom have won their loyalty. Their people will then fight if necessary to maintain their royalty or leaders. This is natural cause and effect, both on large- and small-scale scenarios, including in the home.

I have given examples of physical violence. I’d like to also take a second to talk about an equally, sometimes worse type of violence. Spiritual violence. Do something for me. It will help you get my point. Go to your bathroom and grab the tube of tooth paste. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Got it? OK. Now squeeze all the tooth paste out. Awesome. I should have also told you to grab a plate… Oh well, just put all the tooth paste back in the bottle, no big deal. Struggling? Yeah, I thought you might be. Try to put your words back in your mouth too. We simply cannot. We can apologize, but we can never take them fully back.

I have one more experiment for you. This time I will need you to go get a hammer, a nail, and a piece of wood. Go ahead, I told you I’ll wait. Now take the hammer and nail it into the wood. Be careful. Don’t hit your finger. Now take the nail out. Hammer it into a new spot. Now take it out. Do it again. You’re beginning to see something. A child’s spirit is that piece of wood. You can take away those harsh words, but you cannot heal the holes. 

So, if we can’t yell or spank, what kind of discipline is there? We can’t expect to not give our children consequences. Consequences in life, both good and bad ones, are natural. So, that is how we should give them consequences. We need to offer them natural consequences. 

In all circumstances of correction, we need to remember to guide. Guide them to a better way.

We can also lean on the guidance of Dr. Laurence Steinberg. He gives us 5 steps to effective punishment. Here they are:

1.    Identify the specific wrong action.

2.    State the impact of the behavior. (This is telling them how their action affects those around them, or the environment, or whatever.)

3.    Suggest at least 1 alternative action. 

4.    Give them a clear, preferably natural consequence.

5.    Give them an expectation for the future. 

Practice. It takes making up scenarios in your and practicing. Really. It also takes control of your anger. So, take a breath, and try it. 

This was the route I chose to take with tiny human 5. Guess what, it worked. He has even been an angel today. 

Links for further learning: atlc.org

Citations:

Lindgren, A. (1999). Never Violence. Retrieved December 19, 2018, from http://www.atlc.org/Resources/never_violence.php

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.